I don’t know how it happens, and may be it’s to do with the altitude, but sitting here in the mountains I feel like I have a “higher perspective”. Sanctimonious as it sounds, it’s true. I think the fact of the matter is that, somehow, our perspectives get braided with “practicality”, the voices of the “experts” and others who pretend to know. But no one really does know. No one knows if what they will make or create will turn out the way they imagined, no one knows if anyone will see it the way they saw it, it will work with the viewers and in some cases no one knows if it will even translate from the mind to something physical. And so, in the abyss of”not knowing”, the only thing that can hold true is one’s internal vision. Purifying it. Believing in it, nurturing it….

I want to thank Orijit and Chetan; their words are kind and so true. I am all ready working on my next film; it’s a script that is very dear to me, it’s called “Kajarya”. I am trying to look at it afresh and at the same time take some of the relevant lessons I learnt while making Mere Khwabon Mein Jo Aaye. I have no superimposed expectations from the film (like I did the last time - I pegged so much on Mere khwabon Mein Jo Aaye) as yet, I am hoping to just make the film well…that’s all!

But for now, I am up here, in Kasauli; I just met my daughter and spent last evening with her. There was a show at her school and she danced beautifully. I feel still and blissful…Tomorrow I will descend in to real life again.

Well I think while both of you may be partially  right - Saket and Shiv, i really dont think that people go to so many pains and search sites before making up their minds. Mostly, they’ve got money for one film a week and the star rating does effect that - like it or not. The economics of film-making, where first weekends matter so much, and the ticket prices are so high have empowered the critics. And to create an alternative critics siteis just adding an opinion. I have so often heard people talk about the film in the terms mentioned in a review. 

That besides, I think, there is a larger question we have to ask, - should there we any “official” evaluations of creative works at all?  Now I know, its probably not practical - but in a Utopian world, could we allow creative people to go straight to their audiences. I think the creative movement in India is hugely stunted because of these filters. Not every piece of work has to be the “one” but it can lead to that or evolve. But many times, a rap on the knuckle  or unnecessary lauding,  early in the process stunts the growth of a creative person.

I have the view that was put forth by “eat pray love” author - Elizabeth Gilbert on the TED series of lectures (please check it on youtube), that the severe criticism and the extreme lauding of creative works are both undesirable. 

On the other end of things, I am going to be on a set again soon - yeah! Jubilation!. On the down side my laptop gave up on me and so while it’s in the repair shop, I am learning to hand write again. When I have to use a computer (like in this case) I’m serially waking friends from deep sleep to use their computers. But generally I feel  rather lucky and happy. And feel like there should be a free world out there, where creativity can flow and be a happy place instead of an umbrella for aching unhappiness.

Yesterday i was at an old school reunion and most people there said they didn’t think much of critics and never read reviews and yet they knew how many stars were given to which film. It’s this brahaminisn I was reffereing to. Singha I think there is absolutely no formula for making a successful film, you can make the BEST film that is possible for one to make. And Prakriti, I was not gripping about being tested, the truth is I would neccessarily HAVE to show my script around a lot and have it read before it goes on the floors. Same with the film’s edits. And like Lawrence said one takes for granted that when there is someone holding the cash they do excercise their opinion (atleast). But in my view, after all this, when the film is ready, and especially if its not run of the mill, a bunch of people can tell audiences what to think. Anyway, in the end, like shiv kumar said, one has to stand by one’s convictions, and keep making the cinema that matters to you. But every week the tripe that is sent out in the name of reviews, for films that someone spent months/years making, is absolutely bizzare. I think no reviews should appear before Monday, and there should be no ratings given, this will force critics to actually see the films and analyse them for real.

I am sitting here after having finished the last draft of the script for my next film and although i should be elated, I am actually filled with apprehension. But it wasn’t like this when I wrote Mere Khwabon Mein Jo Aaye. I was so sure and happy. Of course I know why I am feeling apprehensive, it’s because now I am fully aware that when you create something - a book, a painting or a film, its only fifty percent of the job done. And in actuality, it will be all the factors how its marketed, how its positioned, what critics say (a big factor that!) and so-on that will actually determine it’s fate. The question that comes to my mind is - how does one create freely then? How does one make a really good, genuine and original film knowing that it’s fate lies elsewhere - not just in it’s merit. It’s daunting and places a huge onus on artists for something they hardly have control over. No wonder then that so many artists are hugely damaged people . The sheer doubt and pressure can crack anyone up. I can feel the pressure myself, and it takes enormous strength and reserve to not crack.  Why is everything we do so over scrutinised? Why aren’t we allowed space to try something new? And will all this close splitting of hair actually stunt creativity at large? I think, in the end the audiences will suffer because they will be lead by touts of creativity to see what they think is right and give the real stuff a miss. Like brahmins  - they will sit between creativity and its audience.

So it’s the 8th of March again, while the ides of March blow over the country with women being at the centre of this ire it seems more than appropriate to write about us today.

While reading Barack Obama’s now hot selling book “Dreams of my Father”, I began to relate to his dilemmas. Not just because his first creative endeavour was shot down by the critics at the time that he wrote it :-), but also because he had to deal with finding his place in the world.  He examines whether the problems of the black community are his own or whether he is American or African, or if indeed being of mixed blood he can fully belong to either world.  Of course he found his answers and the rest, as they say, is history.

I grew up in an environment that never let on that   there was indeed any discrimination against women. Successful happy women surrounded me. I went to a co-educational school where we ran the same races as the boys and were subliminally told that being a girl meant you were somewhat smatter and stronger.  Later through my years in college I spent less time in the classroom and more in the villages of Orissa and in the offices of various voluntary organisations, I travelled alone and had a deep Marxist phase and none of it pointed towards the fact that I was disadvantaged in any way. If anything I thought I was the luckiest most advantaged human being on the planet. I fell in love and married the man I chose. It made me secure and sceptical and had me standing on the crossroads, never quite sure if discrimination against women was a real fact that applied to me. But as I went further down the rabbit hole of life, the distinct and small signs began to show. Today all those signposts flash past in my mind as I write this.

The birth of my daughter helped me to view a girl in the world. When a well meaning relative held my hand sympathetically and said ”Never mind next time” - I truly thought she was talking about the fact that I had a caesarean. It was my ex husband who translated the true meaning of what was said to me. I was appalled and angry. Then as I looked around the nursing home (a pretty upmarket medical service I may add), I saw that in the ten day period of my stay there were only boys born. My naiveté put this down to “maybe it’s the boy season”. Then along came the catholic nurse who translated this phenomenon to me - the ultrasound was helping choose boys over girls. It made me sad. I came home and like every parent wanted to secure my child’s future financially. The insurance agent suggested I get something that matures before she gets married because many “women are killed for these policies”. It was advice from a man who does insurances for a living. The postpartum blues really got me then :-). And I had to fall in to line and admit that something was going on that wasn’t all kosher.

So now its eleven years later. All the men around me talk about the strong women they know, women themselves are freer. The women in India feel stronger. There is proof of this strengthening in every career sphere. Women lead in so many areas. They are getting better and better at what they do. They wear what they like, they choose their own personal status, they spend their own money and they dictate the terms of their sexuality. And then the parliament refuses the women’s reservation bill, women are asked the leave pubs, and they are beaten if they want to hang out with their lovers, the sex ratio just keeps falling. So what’s going on?  We’re living in the age of the media, so is there help on its way from there?

Everywhere I look there are images of women. Sexy, smart, made-up, conniving, strong. So where do these images come from? Who created these images? 

We are hurtling along in cinema breaking one boundary on the next. But it’s still women who are sex objects, men the receptors of their attentions.   These repeated images of women, has actually convinced women that somewhere they need to look like these women to be desired, or to be like these women to be winners.  And even though somewhere deep down they know it’s a load of bullshit, there is nothing out there to convince them otherwise.

Someone I know, as part of her job, was assigned to study what sort of pornography women like to see. She talked to several women, searched data and found that there was - a) No real pornography for women b) women rarely ever watch pornography on their own. They are looking for sensual/sexual stories not just disconnected images. And more than that they want to improve themselves and want things that they can share and be appreciated for not hide. That probably explains why all overt sexual images on screen, has most men salivating. And when most women look at the image she sees the woman’s hairstyle and make up :-).

We are in dire need of recognition and acceptance of women’s language. Their actual way of seeing things. We need more images created by women, and more sounds, and more films and more words. As the makers of these images, sounds and words increase and their audiences get more empowered, a new visual language will emerge. Whether it will be more sensitive, more alive, and more vivid and perhaps more fun is hard to say but I am inclined to think it will be. This is indeed the next turn that cinema, TV, advertising can take.  Cinema that builds on a woman’s inner core and works outwards from the inside and not in from the outside! Images that build self esteem and make happy women on any day.

Thanks for the good words on my earlier blog and Pooja do share with us what you know has been said/written about women’s fantasies.

Well as vivek said, its the difference between complicated and straight forward that probably sets apart male and female fantasies. A case in point is B.babu’s comment - ilikefriendsandrelationship! To tell you the truth I also likefriendsandrelationship :-). But for me the space in between is swimmy and lovely, like a bubble bath. Hmmmmm….

Yesterday I was a judge on a contest to find a Radio Jockey for the Meow 104.8 fm channel, it was great because about eighty women turned up. Women of all sorts, from small towns, to big metros, married, single, mothers, single mothers and married but without kids and so-on, in many ways they were so differnt as people that their only intersection was their gender and their utter bravery to come and speak in front of so many people. There were men as well, most of them were onlookers  and some men who auditioned as well. I was for the most part really astonished by how varied the viewpoints were. One woman said “If a man dominates me its a sign of his love for me. Because if he is dominating me then he won’t look at other women”. Well! What can i say? I tried to ask her of she really thought that was true, and at the end I realised that she had love and dominance somewhat mixed up. Another woman said that if she earned more than her man, and he had a problem with it, he should go get a life. A man in the audience was clearly offended by that, ‘What about peace? I mean a woman should do things to keep the peace” he said. I was wondering if he meant “piece”, as in women are a “piece”  and they should therefore earn less than men or something. Well different strokes for different folks i guess!

The real moment of the audition came when, I asked the women “So whats your fantasy man like?”. Without exaggeration, what followed was a deluge of expression, they were snatching microphones and talking over each other. Fantasyitic stuff!

One woman said her fantasy man would come on a white horse, like a knight and “ride away with me in to the sunset”. Another had a huge problem with that “Thats so platonic, I fantasise about a man who has a great body because my husband’s a little overweight”, another said “I dream of being under water with a man and then la la la la la” ( i decoded the la la la la to be a description of something less platonic than swimming), another said “In a  woman’s fantasy, a man always understands her”. And then it started running out of control and we had to stop it and return to the audition.

First I sighed with relief  and thought - thank god I’m not the only one and thank god the film is so spot on. And then it got me thinking how the woman’s fantasy is actually a portal to her real desires. Are the fantasies a metaphor for a larger desire?

By the way, my fantasy man’s moving in a little closer. Today, was a day when my blackberry was not hooting its head off and the phones weren’t blaring  so i got time to take a closer look. He’s the kind of guy you really can relax around. When you spend your life interacting with so many people who want things from you, it’s so nice to have a man who can relax you and you can be yourself around him. Don’t you think? Like Mandakini said - someone who lets you dance instead of making you stop.

Tomorrow I am on radio Meow 104.8 fm, somewhere in the evening. I”m certainly going to get more views on women’s idea of fantasy.

Its a lovely sunny and somewhat cool morning in mumbai. I can see the sea lapping at the shore as I write this, and its silent enough for me to hear the birds, the sea and even the cows! From the floor of my flat I can smell lemon grass wafting its way in to my senses as shobha mops it in. I know its two weeks to the release of my film and I should be wound up and anxious, but my minds going off  in another direction. FANTASY!!!

Now I dont know how it works with everyone else, but thats my hiding place. Fantasy is the place where no one will tell you its “not possible”, “you’re wrong”, “it costs too much”. So when in doubt I skip off to fantasy land. Today my fantasy revolves around….hmmmmm…let me think, how should I say this gently? Well let me just say it as it is - a man. Although I’m sure you’re not keeling over with the excitement of this revelation, but you might be anticipating a description.

To start with this man, is my friend, he’s not my boyfriend  - yet! My fantasy man, has a sense of humour and ease with himself. I think its important for a man to not be threatened by a woman’s success but love her for it. And he agrees with me. He can be charming without being cliched, and make me laugh till i dont care about anything else.

I remember while reading Erica Jong’s “Fear of Flying”, the iconic book that discusses women’s fantasies in a sexual way, she talks about how the fantasy is so sexual for her. She talks about variety and locations and all sorts of things.

It gets me thinking, what are our predominant fantasies, are they platonic friendships with men who make us laugh? Or sexual encounters? Or both? 

I mean men’s fantasies are pretty easy to decode, godamnit there’s a whole industry that looks after that! Its funny to think that so much has been said and done about men’s fantasies, but absolutely next to nothing has been said about women’s fantasies.

Thats perhaps because our space is a little more delicate, a little more winded and perhaps linked to the degress of supression that bind us.

I am hoping that we and men, can talk about this, freely, here! Our fantasies and their fanatsies, your fantasies now and your fantasies then…the whole gamut. Brinnnnnng it on!